Tis the Season

I would like to share with you my holiday season by way of open letters to those lucky enough to have vexed me thus far. If it weren't for wine and VH1's "I Love The 80s", I would be unable to laugh off this lunacy that we call "life".

1. If you can't find it in your heart to take a moment out of your life to call, write a letter, email, visit, or simply inquire about your own family all year long, then please do NOT send a Christmas card to me/us after making it crystal clear last December that you no longer want to speak to me/us ever again. (By the way, December to December is an entire calendar year in case you didn't notice.) By doing so, I/we hold the right to publicly mock your audacity for sending "good tidings" after you turned your back on me/us for how long? Oh yeah, A YEAR! I'm sure Emily Post would agree with me on this one, so save yourself the trouble next year, and stick your card right up your chimney.

2. If I am making a purchase and you are my cashier (a.k.a. "Sales Associate"), please refrain from launching into a dialog with your fellow employees about how much you hate customers just as I approach the counter (unless we are at Wal-Mart.) At some point please disengage yourself for a moment, acknowledge your stupidity with an acceptable level of embarrassment, and then promptly thank me, or at the very least say goodbye at the conclusion of our transaction in which I handed over money for goods I bought at the establishment that put their integrity in your rude hands. Maybe you've forgotten, but YOU were hired to provide "Customer Service" and I'm pretty sure you are being paid for such. Next time, I may just have to reach across the counter and stab you in the neck with your own perfectly manicured fingernails.

3. If you decide to take the same lane that I am in while I am driving 75 miles an hour, expect me to honk at you and give you a "thumbs up" for being so careful, you NASCAR wannabe moron! Furthermore, do not thank me for pointing this out to you by showing me your middle finger. Thank your mom instead.

4. If I tell you not to ride your bike before the brace is taken off of your arm, please take that not as a warning, but as fact that not if but when you fall, you will continue to be in said brace for 3 more weeks and do not roll your eyes or I will return all of your Christmas gifts for cash and treat myself to a Michael Kors bag I've been drooling over. Don't think I wont.

5. If you call me on my cell phone and I do not answer, do not get angry, hurt, or offended. I am not ignoring you, I just don't feel the need to have a cell phone attached to my head and constantly chattering into it about whatever. If you have time for that much cell usage, you need to find a hobby - or a job. My cell, though not used as much as most, is not feeling slighted in the least. Oh contrare, it has a good home in the bottom of my purse/tote/briefcase where it is warm, clean, and safe, and can not distract me from my family or job. Furthermore, you do not pay my cell bill. I did not buy a cell so that I can be reached easily by someone who wants to tell/ask me something silly like, say, "what color are my floormats?" or "what did I think of the KFed/Britney break-up?" Oh, and *gasp* I still have a home phone in case someone needs to reach me/anyone there. We still have an answering machine/voicemail/text messaging capabilities/email, and whoa, a physical address where mail still appears... daily. A cell phone does not guarantee I can be reached every second of the day, anywhere. It is in my possession in the off OFF chance I want to reach YOU!

Sugar Plums